But you still have all of me
by sparrowsxxswann
Summary: Something has happened to Edward and Bella. Character death... Tissues at the ready.


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Hi everyone.

Im going to update all my other stories soon I promise, I just had this idea that I needed to get out. Its very different to anything Ive done before and Im very nervous about putting this one up. But my sister has told me that if I dont put it up on here that she will be stealing and taking all the credit. Gotta love sisters right?

Anyway here we go( oh and please leave a review)

But you still have all of me

**"Mrs Cullen we did everything we could"** a deep voice echoed around the room, the steam rolled down the bathroom mirror and the air was hot and misty. I could feel my damp hair begun to start clinging to my neck and my bare shoulders, the droplets of water sliding down my arms.

The girl in the mirror stared back at me with dull red eyes, I knew they used to another colour but I couldnt remember, I cant remember anything anymore. I didnt want to remember.

The towel was draped around me secured under my arms but I couldnt even feel the material against my skin. I felt nothing. I was completely numb, and I couldnt remember how long it had been that way.

Time heals all wounds right? But with every passing second this emptiness grew strong and stronger within me and I had no idea how to stop it.

"Bella?" his velvety voice filled my ears and I glanced at his reflection in the mirror, I knew that a long time ago I used to smile whenever I heard his beautiful voice, somewhere deep inside me I knew that my husbands voice used to light up my entire face, I used to smile. I was sure of it.

The sides of his mouth lifted up in his signature crooked smile, but his usual sparkling green eyes were still dull and dripping with sadness. His copper hair stood on end and disarray on top of his head and I knew that I loved to run my fingers through it once.

"Bella?" he repeated, his voice soft willing something deep inside of myself to feel something.

"Edward." I replied never taking my eyes off the girl in the mirror, he moved towards me until he stood right behind me locking eyes with me in the mirror. His tongue shot out to swipe against his bottom lip before he sighed and dropped his head to my shoulder, but without feeling his touch I moved away slowly,

"Edward dont," I said, but I wasnt sure what I didnt want him to do, I just knew that I didnt want it.

"Bella, Im sorry" he said seriously watching me closely as I reached over to pick up my toothbrush, his eyes filled with tears.

"No youre not, so stop saying it." I spat back at him and he recoiled from me slightly, wounded look flashed across his face but I still felt nothing, I wanted desperately to feel guilt, anger, love for my husband and take him into my arms. But I couldnt. It was as if a wall had built itself around me cutting me off from everything and stopped me from feeling anything.

I was shutting him off completely, and I couldnt remember why. What had he done? Why did I feel nothing for my husband anymore? Didnt we mean anything to each other? Wasnt he my entire world?

I dont know.

"Bella, please listen to me" he begged reaching out to me but I moved away from him again. "You have to understand, I have to leave"

"NO!" I shouted "If you have to leave!... I wish that you just leave!"

Then the next thing I knew I was lying in my bath water, my body completely limp and my arms floated next to my body, my hair waving in the water as it covered my naked breasts. My eyes shut tight as I lay completely still. The water was hot, I used to love hot baths, I remembered the feel of the water against my skin and how it would relax me after a stressful day. Now all I could feel as I lay there was the way my arms floated in the water. I wasnt relaxed, thats the difference between relaxed and numb.

* * *

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I was 15 when I first met Edward.

I was the shiny new toy in Forks, so my friend Jessica had told me on my first day of high school, she was incredibly beautiful with a golden brown mane hanging half way down her back, and her eye brows plucked into elegant angles on her forehead. She had beauty, just not a lot of anything else.

It was a Wednesday and it was a over cast day, rain poured from the sky and the air was cold, something I had not been used to back in Phoenix when I lived with my mother and step- dad. I sighed and pulled my scarf around my neck more and braced myself as I attempted to open the cafeteria doors so I could get an early start to class.

Here let me a velvety voice said, then as if from nowhere a pair of hands moved past my head and pushed the heavy door open, I spun around to see a pair of sparkling green eyes smiling down at me. I was momentarily stunned into silence as my eyes skimmed his face taking in such beauty. i had never seen a teenage boy so attractive in all my days.

"Er" i replied, great answer Bella, Go you!

He chuckled and edged me out of the door as he followed leaving the door to swing shut behind us "Im Edward. Edward Cullen" he said holding out his hand.

"Swan" I replied in a rush "Isabella Swan but my friends call me Bella.I mean...Im not saying were friends or anything, I mean were not anything yet right, I mean Im not saying we will be anything, Im babbling again"

He laughed again before taking my hand that had been flailing around in the air with my nerves and he gently closed his hand around it and shook it. I could actually feel my heart melting down to the pit of my chest at the feel of his skin "Hi Bella" he said calmly.

I smiled at him and prayed that it wasnt my geeky-I-think-youre-totally-hot smile and hoped that my cheeks werent red with embarrassment. After our first introductions Edward told me a little about the town and the school, which wasnt really much but I could tell that he wanted to talk to me more, so I would ask pointless questions just so I could hear his voice.

"And thats was back in 1963..I think" he said with another smile. I knew right there that I could get used to seeing that smile everyday "So what else do you wanna know? Or can I ask some questions now?"

I nodded, not trusting my own voice in that moment. I took a breath "Sure" I squeaked out.

"What brings you to Forks Bella?" he asked.

I knew instantly that my name had never sounded better coming from his lips and I wanted him to say it again, then I remembered he asked me a question "Im moving in with my dad, while my mum travels with my step dad, hes a minor league baseball player so he has to move around so I came here" I replied then sighed and lowered my head "not a very interesting story really."

Edward shook his head and I felt his fingertips underneath my chin slowly lift my head and I was met with his eyes "Youre very interesting Bella, never think otherwise"

I could feel my knees begin to buckle underneath me and I was grateful that I was sitting at a picnic table at the time, all I could offer back to him was a smile and a shrug which I thought would be innocent enough for him.

"Come, let me walk you to class" he said taking my arm and pulling me along with it.

Before long he had taken my heart and pulled me into a world of love lust and longing.

It had taken him a week to ask me out and the day that he turned up to my house holding a bundle of fresh picked flowers wearing a huge smile my heart leapt out of my chest.

He had asked for my dads permission to take me out on a date, and after a long conversation with my dad which I was not allowed to be in the room for Edward appeared in the hallway a little paler than usual before handing me the flowers. His smile grew at my reaction to them and he leaned forward to kiss my cheek. "Ill pick you up tomorrow night at 7" he said with a whisper as he handed me a piece of paper with his cell number written elegantly in the middle.'

Later that night my phone beeped, it was a text from Edward:

****

Cant wait till tomorrow night. Have perfect dreams x

My heart fluttered at such an innocent message and I slept with a smile etched onto my lips that night dreaming of green eyes and bronze hair.

As we drove home the silence in the car was unbearable, I was pretty sure that the night couldnt possibly get any worse than it already had done. Edward had been so worried that everything would go wrong that the atmosphere was completely strained and conversation was difficult. I just wanted him to relax and be just Edward that I got frustrated with him towards the end of the night and I was relieved when he offered to drive me home.

As we pulled up outside my house he turned the engine off and we sat there for a few more minutes in silence. I wasnt a professional when it came to dates but Im sure the no-talking was a bad sign, but maybe he would blow me away with a perfect good night kiss.

"Well I guess I will see you Monday" he stated not taking his eyes off the steering wheel, his whole body stiff and uncomfortable.

"I guess" I replied quickly taking off my seatbelt and opening my door and climbing out "Goodnight"

"Night" he answered quietly before I shut the door and made my way up towards my house, confused at where all our previous chemistry had gone and why it didnt seem like I wanted Monday to hurry up just so I could see him again. I briefly wondered if he would text me later that night.

I heard his car drive off as I closed my front door and leaned against it and let out a disappointed sigh, my fathers heavy boots alerted me that he had been standing in the hallway watching us and he shuffled around awkwardly "Good date Bells?" he asked.

"Yeah" I lied "It was perfect dad"

The rest of the night was uneventful, I had a shower and checked my emails again, replying to another one of my mums detailed endless list of questions about how I was doing, was I having a good time, have I met anyone yet. I shied away from the question about whether or not there are any cute guys around here, I didnt know if she would want to know about Edward before I even figured what I was going to do or say to him at that point.

As I logged off my computer I lit a few candles and lay on my bed listening to my music playing very quietly in the background, my eyes closed as I listened to the words that the singer was singing about and mumbled the words out loud to myself. The tap on my window made me jump and I had to cover my mouth to stop me from screaming. I looked towards the window to find Edward peering through with an apologetic smile and I rushed over to open it.

"Edward what are you-" I whispered but was suddenly cut off by lips pressing urgently against mine, electricity raced through every fibre of my body and I felt like I was on fire. Of course it wasnt my first kiss but it certainly was the best kiss I had ever experienced.

Edward pulled back and smiled "Ive been wanting to do that for a week" he said with a whisper "Im sorry about tonight, I just wanted everything to be perfect for you and I ruined it, please forgive me?"

I took a step closer towards him and wrapped my arms around him "Of course I do, we can always go on other dates Edward, but you have to promise to relax. I dont care about everything being perfect I care about you being you" I replied kissing his lips lightly.

He smiled into our kisses and took hold of my hand, "I want you to be my girlfriend Bella"

I gasped and I concluded that I never wanted to anyone other than his.

With a smile I nodded and let him lean forward to capture my lips once more, we both moaned and I tried to pull him into my room but he stopped me "Bella, I have to go, your dad is still home and I dont think we should do anything until we have got a few imperfect dates behind us" he said the last for words with a small laugh. He moved away from me but still ran his fingers over my palm soothingly making me shiver "So I bid you goodnight"

"Have sweet dreams" I whispered to him as he began to climb down from my balcony, he looked back up to me with a smile so big I thought my knees would collapse right from under me. "Of you" he replied "Always of you"

We had been inseparable after that night, at school he would walk me to class and meet me after every class ended, we would sit with his friends at lunch. At first I didnt think I would fit in with such beautiful and interesting people but as soon as I was introduced to the group I felt instantly at home.

"Oh youre Bella!" a small girl with black hair in a pixie cut exclaimed standing up and throwing herself into my arms and squeezing me tight "Edward has told us so much about you, Im Alice and were going to be best friends!"

"Hi Alice" I stammered my eyes falling upon Edward who had to pull the girl off me and push her back in the direction of the blonde haired boy who she was sitting next to.

"Dont worry, youll get used to her" he whispered in my ear before kissing my hair "Bella I want you to meet Alice, Jasper her boyfriend or her prisoner as I see it" that earned a roll of the eyes from Jasper who lifted his hand to throw me a wave and a smile before his arm dropped around the shoulders of Alice once more. "This is Emmett" Edward added "and his girlfriend Rosalie", Emmett stood up and pulled me to his side into a bone crushing hug.

"Emmett leave the poor girl alone, shes not used to being man handled so much" Rosalie said without bothering to look up from filing down her nails a small smile graced her lips before adding "yet"

He let go of me with a hearty laugh and sat back down after high 5-ing Edward.

I wasnt sure what to make of everyone just yet but I could instantly tell that we would be a very close group and I would love being with them.

There was so much I could say about being with Edward, but no amount of words could really describe what I felt being with him, being his girlfriend was pretty much the best thing any girl could wish to be. He was my world, my first love.

Making love to Edward for the first time at the age of 18 was the single most breath taking experience of my entire life, he filled my body with excitement and love. It wasnt planned but it was perfect.

He was a gentle lover who would bring me hour after hour of pleasure and I fell deeper in love with him if that was even possible. I had always been afraid that sex would spoil our special bond, but it only solidified our already passionate connection. I gave him my soul, my entire being. Everything I ha I gave to him.

Our relationship was always perfect, sure we fought like regular couples. We broke up more times than I could count but we always got back together in the same breath. It was like we could never stay mad at each other long enough for our arguments to take affect. He would shout, I would shout, he would get angry and I would leave, but I always ended back in him arms later that night, making love and apologising for the wrongs that we had put upon each other.

I loved waking up each morning being wrapped in his arms feeling his legs tangled with mine underneath the covers, then having to sneak him out of the house before my dad found us in a compromising position. I loved those days.

I dont know how long I had been lying in the water, I didnt even know what day it was anymore.

I could hear my answering machine beeping away to itself in the hall and I tried to ignore it, I wasnt ready to face Alice. I never wanted to see her again. She was supposed to be my best friend, how could she say to that to me?

"Bella," Edward called out to me as he appeared in the doorway again, he slowly made his way towards the tub and sat on the floor next to me, his fingers dipped into the water and his eyes met with mine and still I felt nothing. I wanted to hate him for what he had done. For what he had done to us.

"Why?" I asked "Why are you bothering to do this?"

His reply never came, his head lowered with a sigh and I stared straight ahead again begging for the numbness to go, I wanted to feel this not shut it all out.

* * *

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On our 5 year anniversary Edward proposed to me and we married 3 months later in a small ceremony in Edwards family home. His mother Esme Cullen helped us prepare everything and Alice who was heavily pregnant with hers and Jaspers first child was the wedding planner. Rosalie and Alice were my bridesmaid and Emmett was our best man, who after a lot of champagne managed to pull off a very embarrassing story of the time he had caught us fooling around in the back of Edwards volo, much to the awkwardness of my father who covered his face with his hands. I made Edward promise to beat the shit out of him when he passed out.

Our day was beautiful and we were very content with our lives.

But things began to change when Edward began to work later than normal at work. At first it wouldnt happen and it was very rare that he would have to put in extra hours, but as the months grew on he would spend more and more time at the office. It got to the point where I would be calling him at work and asking whether or not to cook him a meal or whether I should lock the door before I went to bed in-case he had left his key at home. I had begun spending most nights going to bed alone and waking up alone with a note lying where he would normally sleep explaining that he had an early start.

Our sex life was suffering and when we did manage to make love we both made sure that it still was fuelled with passion. I loved my husband with all my heart and I believed when he told me that things would be easier when he had landed this big project he was working on. Things would go back to how they were. But they didnt.

Soon after I discovered that I was pregnant, it wasnt a planned pregnancy and we were both shocked by the news. After discussing the necessary steps to take we agreed that Edward needed all the hours he could find at work and I would just have to deal with it for a while longer. Then he would stop the extra hours and spend more time at home. He was being responsible and providing for our baby and our future while I was being selfish in secretly wanting him to be with me every second of the day to watch our baby grow. I didnt care about money, as long as we had each other thats all that mattered to me.

Our beautiful daughter Renesmé Carly Cullen was born in the May and she had her fathers bronze hair, which Edward hated of course. He had always hated his hair and hoped that all of our children took after me in that department, I was happy that our little princess took after her beautiful father because now I had two gorgeous things to look at everyday.

As I watched Edward hold his daughter and rock her to sleep I knew I was the luckiest girl alive.

* * *

I watched as the water poured away down the drain in wonder as his voice filled my ears again and for once I wish my husband would just leave me alone.

"I love you" he said

"I know" I replied as I moved back to the mirror and looked back at the girl staring back at me, her red puffy eyes looked tired seemed to be filled with so much sadness.

****

Im sorry Mrs Cullen

"Bella, I cant let this happen" Edward said standing right behind me leaning forward and breathing in the scent of my hair his brow creased up in sadness and for the first time in so long a stab of emotion hit me making me suck in a breath and tears filled me eyes. I shut them tight and shook my head.

An overload of emotions shot through my body bursting through the invisible wall deep inside me, it came crumbling down with every shaky breath that I took.

****

there was just too much internal bleeding

"Im still here" Edward whispered

I shook my head again as anger boiled away inside me "No" I said,

****

We did everything we could

"Im right here" He answered ignoring me "Ill always be here"

Without thinking my hand clenched up in a fist at my side as Edward buried himself further into my hair.

"Ive tried to tell myself that you were gone," I whispered to him a single tear fell down his cheek "but though youre still with me, Ive been alone-"

He shook his head and sobbed as I raised my fist and hit the mirror "ALL ALONG!" I screamed hitting the mirror over and over again so I couldnt see the girl anymore or him. The mirror fell from the wall in pieces and I screamed as tears ran down my face "NO!" I wailed as I fell to the floor in a sobbing mess. I looked up again to find I was lying in an empty bathroom.

* * *

_"Edward I just dont see the point in you driving all the way over to Port Angeles when there are plenty of other perfectly decent birthday cakes right here in Forks, dinner is gonna be cold by the time that your back." I moaned at my husband who decided at the last minute that he needed to go buy our daughter another cake for her birthday in two days time. I couldnt believe that our little Princess was nearly a year old already. Edward wanted to take her everywhere and show her off to everyone, she was his pride and joy and it warmed my heart to watch them together._

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"Bella you know that those stores wouldnt have any this late, I wont be long I promise and when Renesme is asleep I have a surprise for you" he replied.

"Ok baby, I love you" I said with a smile as I lay down on our bed.

"Love you too sweets" he answered before ending the call. I smiled at the way he could still melt my heart with just a few words.

A knock on the door woke me from my sleep and I sat up quickly, it was dark outside and I wondered how long I had been asleep. Rubbing my eyes I climbed down from the bed.

The entire house was dark, confusion set in as I quickly glanced around wondering where Edward had got to, he had only drove to Port Angeles and that was an hour drive from here, and it was daytime when we had last spoken.

Another firm knock on the front door made me jump out of my skin and I quickly ran into the lounge and flicked the light on before I made my way to the front door. The first thing that hit me was the bitter cold air splashing my heated cheeks making my whole body shiver.

"Dad?" I asked my father as he stood in his uniform along with his deputy on the front step.

"Bella, can we come in for a second?" He answered in a monotone voice, his eyes were moist and he was trying to hold back tears.

"Sure" I replied opening the door wider and letting them come in, they both stood awkwardly in the hallway and I knew that something was wrong "dad, what is it?"

"Mrs Cullen" Deputy Nolan started, but I wasnt listening to him my eyes were fixed on my dad and watched as he dropped his head and looked down to his feet.

"Dad whats going on, whats happened? is it Sue?" I asked moving towards him and reaching out to place my hand on his arm reassuringly.

After a long moment he raised his head and met my eyes.

"Its Edward " he said

Time stopped. The air left my lungs and I felt as if my whole body had dropped to the floor but I still was standing Then panic flooded me and my heart sped up in my chest dropping me back down to reality. "Whats wrong? Where is he?" I said my eyes scanning his every facial expression.

"Mrs Cullen, there was an accident. Your husband was involved in a head-on collision. He was rushed into the hospital" Deputy Nolan said but my dad cut him off staring straight into my eyes, his own brimming with tears.

"Baby, he didnt make it." The doctors did everything they could he said, but his voice seemed like it was under water, and everything seemed like it was happening in slow motion.

Pain. Pain surged through my entire body and I tried to breathe in air but my lungs felt as if they were shutting off, my chest was closing in on itself crushing me. Images of Edward playing with our daughter this morning replayed in my mind at lightening speed over and over again, his velvety voice playing in my ears. Then suddenly as quickly as it had begun I couldnt feel any part of my body, everything just felt completely numb, lifeless and cold. Shouldnt I be on the floor crying?

My whole world had crumbled all around me, and I couldnt even feel it.

"...She didnt suffer" my dad said, I hadnt even realised that he was still talking.

"They both died on impact, they didnt feel a thing" Deputy Nolan added.

The flowers on the hall table were beginning to wilt, I made a mental not to water them before going upstairs to change the bed clothes. I looked next to the vase at the family picture of us sitting on the table, the three people standing in the frame with bright smiles staring back at me, the little bronze haired baby clutching onto its fathers shirt.

A hand reached across and was placed on my arm and I lifted my eyes to see my fathers worried expression, tears falling down his cheeks and disappearing into his moustache.

"Do you understand Bells?" He asked.

I stared blankly at him. What was going on? Why wasnt Edward home already? Why was it suddenly dark outside?

"Youre not alone Bells" Dad said pulling me into his arms and pressing me into his chest, his hand snaking up into my hair "youll never be alone. We are all here for you"

An emptiness rolled through the pit of my stomach and I clutched at the spot where my daughter once grew, the empty space where my future once lay.

The answering machine beeped once more and I looked up in the direction of the hallway, Edward was standing at the far end next to the phone, his back facing me and his shoulders slumped as he looked down to the machine. He reached down and pressed the button before turning around and meeting my eyes with a nod.

I was silent as my best friends soft voice filled the air, her sobs echoing the room and Edwards eyes glazed over as he watched me.

"Bella, I know you may never want to speak to me again, but I know you dont hate me. Im sorry I said all those horrible things to you Bumble Bee I just wasnt thinking about how much you were still hurting. I wasnt thinking full stop. I know everyone has always said that they know what youve been through but they dont, I dont. I couldnt ever imagine a mother saying goodbye to their child and their husband in the same minute, I dont know how that feels and Im scared because I cant make you smile anymore or make you know that we all love you. We do love you Bella so much, we have been worried for so long because we couldnt understand what you went throughwhat youre still going through. I miss you Bella, all three of you. Youre my best friend Bella. Im sorry I keep on hurting you. Please call. Jasper and Junior send their love."

My bleeding knuckles hit the ground softly and I hissed at the stinging and lay down on the cold floor ignoring the pain, as I watched Edward slowly make his way back to me.

He lay on the floor opposite me silently and looked into my eyes, tears fell down his cheek and onto the glass beneath him, we lay half a metre apart but I longed to touch his skin. I missed the feel of his skin on mine. The five years since the accident had seemed like forever and I desperately wanted the warmth of his arms.

The cold floor disappeared beneath us and once again we were lay on our bed, white sheets covered us and he looked so beautiful lying on his side watching me.

"Renesme?" I whispered my voice shaking at the name I had forced myself to forget for 5 long lonely years. Edward nodded softly.

"Shes beautiful, Bella. She looks just like you." he said and I took a shaky breath not bothering to control my tears anymore, feeling them flow feely "She misses her mummy"

"I miss her so much Edward, I miss you so much" I sobbed quietly as I lay still completely still.

"Bella, its my job to protect you" he whispered after a long while, his eyes searching my face for something I didnt know I was showing. "I promised to protect you from everything, and I didnt I hurt you for so long. So please let me do it now"

I shook my head. He couldnt protect me. He couldnt protect me from myself anymore.

"I cant live in a world where you dont exist" I whispered reaching across to him and touching him for the first time in my eternity. His warm skin against my fingertips taking the breath from my lungs as the familiar electricity shot through me. His hand snaked up and intertwined with mine and held them closed to his chest, my flowing tears fell onto the pillow and I scooted over to him and lay my head on his shoulder his own head resting against mine, his lips softly kissing my hair.

"I dont want to be alone anymore Edward, I want my family back"

"Close your eyes Bella my love." His velvety voice whispered and I did as he commanded and for the first time in as long as I can remember I wasnt afraid of the dark behind my closed eyelids. I felt warmth and love.

Then a voice called to me, a musically soft voice that warmed me to the tips of my toes and I knew everything would be ok.

"Momma?"

The end.

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Please tell me what you thought of it. Hated it or loved it, I still really want to know. Love you guys for reading it and hope you visit my other stories xx

Sparrowsxxswann xxx

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"Fuck!" I screamed as I looked down at the broken mirror, shards of glass already had embedded themselves into the pink flesh of my palms and knees as I continued to pound my hands into the floor, hitting the cool tiles repeatedly, trying to fight my fallen tears as they landed.


End file.
